Sample Jokes – Current Events

 

  • National Punctuation Day is coming up.  I’ll give you Arbor Day, Grandparents Day, even Administrative Assistants Day.  But, there is no way in the world I’m ever celebrating National Punctuation Day…PERIOD!
  • The sexy bending game of Twister just turned 50 years-old.  You know what that means…Left foot red, right hand–you know where it goes.
  • Scientists found that salmon caught in the rivers near Seattle are loaded with amphetamines, cocaine and marijuana.  Great, just what Washington State needs…bears foraging for Doritos.
  • My buddy just opened up an 18th century musical equipment repair shop.  It’s called–If it’s baroque, we’ll fix it?
  • Walmart says they will start using cage-free eggs in all their stores. Nice. Not so nice…they draw the line and will NEVER allow free-roaming employees.
  • The guy who invented email just died. Ironically, the food at the wake consisted of three week-old spam and drunken regret.
  • People who smoked weed regularly as teenagers remembered fewer words as they entered middle age, according to a new study published by…shit, no, that’s not it.
  • A guy Nebraska was arrested for marijuana possession when police found it in a plastic container that said, “not weed.” Idiot. My guess is that in prison he’ll be wearing a shirt that says “not wife.”
  • A guy who binge-watched The Walking Dead, killed his friend with an electric guitar and microwave oven when he thought he turned into a zombie. What an idiot. Everyone knows you kill a zombie with a knife through the head.
  • Broke a lightbulb this morning, and you know what that means for me…seven years of bad ideas.
  • The guy who played Screech on “Saved By The Bell” was sentenced to four months in jail after stabbing a man in a Wisconsin bar.  Odds are good they’ll still call him Screech in jail but for an entirely different reason.
  • The guy who invented the shopping mall just died. Ironically, the only people who attended the funeral where men carrying their wive’s purses and unattended screaming kids!
  • I did a gig for an all deaf crowd and didn’t get one laugh. To be fair, the signer translating my jokes had arthritis!  It was the filthiest show I’ve ever done.
  • The Pope said he hasn’t watched TV in 25 years. At least he knows who shot J.R.!
  • The Pope said he hasn’t watched TV since 1990. My guess is something happened to him after he saw a particularly saucy episode of The Golden Girls!
  • 19 year-old Thomas Bacon of New Jersey was arrested after he assaulted someone in his home who ate the last piece of sausage. Harsh. If he lived in Wisconsin, they’d be throwing him a parade.
  • Six people in Tennessee demanded their money back from a zoo when they found out the dinosaurs at an exhibit were computerized.  Then they demanded to know what a computer is.
  • Later this Spring, a 65 year-old German lady who already has 13 kids is set to become the oldest person to have quadruplets. How’d you like to be the OB-GYN who drew the short straw on that one?
  • Researchers say cockroaches communicate with each other on where the best places to eat are. Who’d have thunk my old college dorm would be on Yelp?
  • The condition of the latest U.S. ebola patient has been upgraded from serious to “do we still care about this?”
  • The guy who founded NFL Films died today. he will be BURIED BENEATH THE FROZEN TUNDRA.
  • KFC is coming out with an edible coffee cup that tastes like chocolate. That sounds “good to the last genetically modified drop!”
  • North Korea tested what it described as a new type of “cutting-edge” missile the other day. Cutting edge? North Korea? So that’s where all the discarded Rainbow Loom rubber bands went?
  • Shopping at Whole Foods is so pretentious.  Today I saw a lady’s grocery list that was written in calligraphy…With an Iskoola Pota font.
  • White Castle is coming out with Veggie Burgers.  Finally, I can look forward to some healthy looking diarrhea.
  • Because of his current situation, they say Bill Cosby will never work in movies again. I think Leonard Part 6, took care of that.
  • Former baseball player Jose Canseco had his finger re-attached after he accidentally shot it off while cleaning his gun. The other day, it fell off during a poker tournament. Ironically, he won the hand.
  • The world’s tallest man at 8’3″ and the world’s shortest man at 21″ shook hands the other day in London at the 10th annual Guinness Records Day. After the handshake, the giant set a new record for tallest man with lower lumbar pain.
  • The leader of ISIS told his people to erupt volcanoes of Jihad on the West and said that his fighters would “not never abandon fighting.” Like this guy doesn’t have ENOUGH negatives against him!
  • Sad news for bakers. The guy who invented CorningWare just died. He’ll be cremated at 375 thousand degrees for 45 minutes.
  • You can no longer use a lasso to catch fish in Tennessee.  In a related story, all the state’s horses no longer have to take swimming lessons.
  • Kanye West is back in the news.  When isn’t he, he’s a huge narcissist.  Did you hear that he changed his name to ebola…but only ’til the attention dies down.
  • To help with the looming crisis…President Obama finally named an ebola Czar. Republicans still think he incompetent because they wanted an ebola Tzar!
  • I didn’t know viruses were so tekkie. I logged on to eBay, and got redirected to eBola. Now I have to search for iHandwashing because iWorried!
  • I read Scientific Monthly.  You should see this month’s centerfold.  I know what you’re thinking and not to worry…I just read it for the particles.
  • I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome, and at first, I thought it was pretty bad…but by the end, I kind of liked it.  Now I can’t stop thinking about it.
  • Some moron dialed 9-1-1 after Facebook crashed for a few hours.  Apparently, he wasn’t able to post the quiche he made that morning and his buddy Kip in Mozambique was pissed!
  • The Friday’s restaurant chain is offering all-you-can-eat appetizers for 10 bucks. Unfortunately, if you indulge, you’ll have to spend about half a mil on rib spreaders for your angioplasty!
  • Because of Native American pressure, the Washington Redskins lost their trademark. Let me get this straight. The U.S. Patent Office gives it to them, then takes it back. Didn’t people call that something?
  • A California man told doctors he was constipated, then they found a running vibrator in his intestine.  When asked to comment, The Energizer bunny said…”That’s it, I’m out of the battery business.”
  • Police in Pakistan arrested a 9 month old baby for attempted murder. They tried to get the kid to confess, but he wouldn’t talk.
  • A new study says that men keep their underwear an average of seven years. So that’s where they coined the term “Seven-Year Itch!”
  • 10% of all Americans believe that Joan of Arc was Noah’s wife.  The other 90% are pitching a new Reality show.
  • A college down south is launching a new program seeking high school drop-outs to work on a ship, at sea, for six months…in return, they’ll receive their GED’s. New program, dont we call that the Navy?
  • McDonalds is being sued for not using reduced fat in their cooking oil as promised. Prosecutors think they have a slam-dunk. Exhibit A…Every ass in Wisconsin.
  • 22% of all Americans get their news from the internet and the other 78% want to know if porn is considered news.
  • Police in Arizona arrested a 71 year-old woman at a retirement home for running a meth lab from her room. The cops knew she was hopped up on something when her wheelchair kept leaving skid marks on the floor.
  • A winery worker in California died when he slipped into a 60,000 gallon vat of red wine. The sad part…he had fish for lunch.
  • Burger King has come out with a body spray for men. It has the scent of seduction with a hint of flame broiled meat. I tried and frankly, I attracted other men and bears.
  • A California plastic surgeon claims he has developed a car that runs on human fat. Great, in five years, we’ll all be driving Kirstie Alleymobiles.
  • An Australian woman accused of setting her husband’s penis on fire because she thought he was having an affair has been charged with murder. Talk about “tossing another shrimp on the Barbie.”
  • 94% of all roads in this country are paved with asphalt.  Wait a minute…it’s 93% asphalt and 1% Hoffa.
  • Police in Nigeria are arresting motorcyclists for wearing dried fruit shells tied to their heads to avoid the new helmet law. In a related story, a Carmen Miranda impersonator crashed her bike, wasn’t hurt, but was able to feed a family of 14!
  • Two Florida high school students sued their school board because they were not allowed to form a club that promotes the tolerance of gays. Their decision was later reversed with support from the school’s priests and gym teacher.
  • The Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue is out. Editors say it’s not a superficial exploitation of women… No kidding… it’s an in depth exploitation of women.
  • A recent study says that less than 1 percent of American teenagers are likely to need cholesterol drugs, however 94% of them want regular drugs.
  • A megachurch in Illinois is reeling after the sudden resignation of it’s pastor who admitted to sexual impurity. The congregation is praying and I’m sure the Reverend is praying REALLY hard too. Probably four or five times an hour.
  • A woman in Salt Lake City stopped a man breaking into a co-worker’s car by giving him a wedgie and putting him in a headlock. Sounds like foreplay at Boy George’s house.
  • The President of Ryan-Air is making passengers pay a dollar fifty if they have to use the lavatory. I know they charge extra for carry-on items… but C’MON.
  • A beverage company in India is thinking about producing a soft drink derived from cow urine. I think it’s called yellow bull.
  • A Michigan woman with two wombs has given birth to twin daughters one from each uterus. You think that’s amazing… how ’bout the husband pulling off the 7-10 split… .I’d like to see David Copperfield do that.
  • A Russian guy who died after taking a whole bottle of Viagra. He’ll be buried as soon as they finish digging his 80 foot deep grave.
  • The world’s heaviest man will have a 1989 Chevy Astro Van outfitted to support his record-breaking weight. I don’t think it’ll work… You know you’re huge when you go… Honey, does this 1989 Chevy Astro Van make me look fat?
  • The inventor or the taser gun died. When people at the eulogy were asked how they felt about him, they said they liked him from a distance.
  • G.P.S. device maker Garmin has laid off a bunch of employees. And the workers knew it was coming and tried to avoid the pink slips, but the executives knew where to find them.
  • A guy in Key West Florida won the 47th annual Conch Shell Blowing Contest impressing judges with Frank Sinatra’s Strangers in the Night Way to go. Last time a horn was blown that well in Key West… Rip Taylor was in town.
  • The Reader’s Digest may be next magazine to go under. Well, that’s the Reader’s Digest version.
  • Good news ladies, they just came up with a device that let’s you go to the bathroom standing up. Great just what the world needs, women missing the toilet too.
  • Japan’s fashion industry is experimenting with robot models. They’re un-emotional, pre-programmed, and you don’t have to feed them. The only difference between their models and U.S. models is… there’s no difference.
  • New Jersey is banning genital waxing after two women got hurt when they pulled off the wax. Have you seen some of the women from New Jersey? Not only do they need Brazillian’s…they need half of Venezuela too. What he was doing with the armor all.
  • A guy was arrested for having sex at least 4 times with a picnic table. The people who turned him in to police said they wouldn’t have minded it so much, but he wouldn’t pass the ketchup.
  • A government study says that a chemical used in rocket fuel has been found in at least 15 types of baby formula. So hold on to your kids, because the next time little Timmy toots in Chicago, he might end up in Detroit.
  • A Connecticut pet shop owner now has a rabbit that was born with two noses. He says the bunny is eating, drinking and looking forward to a whole lot of cocaine.
  • Honda has a “dog friendly” version of its Element SUV. It features safety restraints in the cargo area, a spill-resistant water bowl and an entry ramp. Sounds like foreplay at George Michael’s house.
  • An Ohio woman went to jail because she ordered adult magazines in a neighbor’s name as payback after being charged with a misdemeanor complaint made by the other woman. When asked to comment, her husband said “I can’t believe she was sent to jail over this and where the hell are the magazines?”
  • A Pennsylvania high school ordered 450 shot glasses for its prom. Probable sent the wrong message. I heard the condoms that the students wanted were on back order. The rubbers come in 2 sizes—“14” and “2009.”
  • Researchers say a sexually suggestive Venus figurine with oversized breasts and thighs that dates back at least 35,000 years shows that ancient humans were thinking about sex. That’s a good thing or there wouldn’t be modern humans.
  • A court in Sweden ruled against allowing a local church to be named Madonna of Orgasm Church. Great idea… People have been converting left and right… As well as up and down.
  • Doctors say the best way to prevent the transfer of germs is to constantly wash your hands with soap and water. When asked to comment, the head of the national OCD support group said, yeah for us.
  • A school in Pittsburg suspended 5 fourth-graders on weapons charges for making slingshots out of pencils, rubber bands and paper clips. Way to go kids at McGuyver elementary.
  • A man in Italy received an eight-month suspended jail sentence for rolling a half million colored balls down Rome’s famed Spanish Steps in a protest. He’s protesting the lack of sex from his wife. Ironically, all the balls were blue.
  • While fishing in the Bahamas, a woman rescued her husband from the jaws of seven foot shark. When asked how he was saved from the shark, he said my wife just punched her mother in the nose.
  • A University of Washington pediatrics professor has found that infants who spend a lot of time watching TV, end up lagging behind their peers intellectually. Yeah, but they get to watch a lot of TV.
  • A man was charged with smuggling more than a dozen songbirds into the United States by hiding them in his pants. When asked how the journey to their new land was, Tweety said… it was torture. Every time he talked to a pretty woman, it was like walls were closing in on us.
  • Donald Duck’s turned 78 this year. There’s nothing worse than a duck on Viagra wearing no pants.
  • The inventor of the salad bar died this week. And to honor him, they gave him a 21 sneeze guard salute.
  • Team USA dominated at the recent World Beard and Moustache Championship. They consisted of 8 Amish guys and an Italian Grandmother.
  • Research has shown that children tend to talk less to their parents when there is a television in the room. Well duh hey. Why do you think I have seven TV’s in the house?
  • A woman in England, decided to call off her wedding after finding out her fianceeˆ was a porn star. She should have know something was up when he cleared the table without using his hands.
  • A University of Chicago paleontologist claims to have discovered the first dinosaurs that ate mainly nuts who washed them down with fermented grains. Also discovered on the dinosaur… a huge bowling shirt with the name T-Rex on the pocket.
  • The federal government conducted a 500 thousand dollar study and found that men prefer not to wear condoms during sex. In related story… ah, no kidding.
  • An Iowa school district has hired a collection agency to collect lunch-money debts. The kids responded by saying that they would file a lawsuit as soon as they learn their ABC’S.
  • For the first time in history, a woman has received a license allowing her to navigate a gondola on the canals of Venice. The reason it took so long is because they first had to build a gas station on the waterway so she would have a place to pull in and ask for directions.
  • The world’s longest golf course measuring 843 miles, has been open in Australia for three years. It’s supposed to take three or four days to complete and already has an 18 year waiting of mostly husband’s from around the world.
  • July is National Grilling Month. Ain’t it the truth. I came back late at night July 1st with lipstick on my collar and my wife’s been asking me questions all month.
  • A Wienermobile crashed into got lodged and couldn’t get out of a home in Wisconsin. The driver tried rocking the car back and forth to get out causing more damage. If the lawsuit goes through, it promises to be the biggest “NO MEANS NO” case in the world.
  • Thousands of casinos shut down across Russia under new restrictions that only allow gambling in Siberia. Didn’t Siberia used to be the worst place to send somebody?
  • Bakers in Minneapolis baked up the world’s largest cupcake, weighing in at 131 pounds. Also weighing in at 131 pounds in Minneapolis… Ah—No one.
  • John Barry, the inventor of WD-40 died last week. Ironically, his coffin lid squeaks.
  • Cattle cause an average of 20 deaths a year on U.S. farms. Apparently, most of the deaths occurred because the ranchers didn’t want to cuddle afterwards.
  • The people at Guiness World Records has said that a 1,224-pound triple vanilla cupcake with pink frosting has set a record as the world’s largest. It clocks in at about 2 million calories… or as we know it… snacktime at Kirstie Allies.
  • A female teacher at a High School in Utah has been arrested for having sex with with a male student for over a year. His parents should have known something was wrong when he kept going to school wearing a smoking jacket.
  • Police in Louisiana arrested a woman accused of stealing a 12-pack of beer by hiding it between her legs. In a related story… her dance card is filled!
  • A Pennsylvania man said he robbed a bank in 2007 to go to jail and get away from his overbearing wife. That’s too bad ’cause when he gets to jail, his new wife will constantly be bearing-over him.
  • Identical twin brothers accused of committing murder during a robbery in Florida could become the first U.S. twins sentenced to death . The state said they will save money because when they execute one, the other will feel it.
  • A man in Sweden claims he’s stimulating his breasts with a pump in an attempt to produce milk from his own body. Wait a minute. He’s a guy with a pump. How does it even get up to his chest?
  • A woman in Georgia was arrested when police at a traffic stop discovered $13,000 worth of methamphetamine stuffed in her bra. Now that’s what I call a drug bust.
  • The cops became suspicious when they saw her nipple pop out of her blouse to see if the coast was clear.
  • After hours of testing, it was determined that both the drugs and the breast were real.
  • Police in California have arrested a pilot who they say stalked his ex-girlfriend by repeatedly flying his plane low over her house. Can’t this guy just stand outside her house and cry like everyone else.
  • A 101 year old man in Texas says his key to a long life has been having a daily biscuit with honey. And when asked to comment… some woman named Honey said… No comment.
  • A University of Chicago study says that participating in sports can make you smarter. In fact, their best athlete is from China starring in three sports… Physics, Economics and chess.
  • A woman in Wisconsin was charged with trying to eat marijuana as police pulled her over for not wearing a seatbelt. Man, you cover it with cheese, they’ll eat anything in Wisconsin.
  • Tufts University has a new policy banning sexual activity while a roommate is in the same dorm room. Wow, another rule for Freshman to ignore.
  • An Arkansas women who got pregnant got the shock of her life when two weeks later, she became pregnant again. In a related story, the sperm has hired a publicist.
  • Police in Mexico seized a truckload of bananas stuffed with more than 2 tons of marijuana. As a result, most of Mexico’s monkey’s have applied for truck driver’s licenses.
  • Police in Mexico this week seized a truckload of bananas stuffed with more than 2 tons of marijuana. Police knew something was-up when they noticed banana-splits were going for a thousand bucks a pop.
  • Police became suspicious when at the zoo, they noticed a group of monkeys making a bong out of a hollowed-out tree.
  • Hawaii is shortening the school year by 17 days. Now what are the kids going to do with their extra time in HAWAII?
  • Oakland International is the only airport in the country that allows medical marijuana users to bring their stash onboard the airplanes. In a related story, flights to Oakland are up 97%.
  • A Minnesota man has pleaded guilty to driving his motorized La-Z-Boy chair while drunk. Apparently, earlier that day, he was involved in a hit and sit.
  • The all-girl Sarah Lawrence is the most expensive college in the U.S. with a $54,410 annual tuition. That’s a lot of money to learn how to become a lesbian.
  • Officials say a Florida Panhandle Fish and Wildlife officer lost a 5-foot alligator after bringing it to his daughter’s school for show and tell. Coincidently, nobody’s seen little Timmy in a while.
  • A Michigan man set a Guinness Book Of World Record by putting 16 live cockroaches in his mouth at one time shattering the previous record of 11. Pretty impressive seeing as though the old record was set by an aardvark.
  • A 112 Somalia man has married a 17-year-old village girl making her his 6th wife. They spend their nights watching Cake Boss and reruns of Matlock.
  • The iPhone is very popular in China. The most popular app…Dude, where is my bike?
  • A new report says that eating fried foods and high-fat dairy products can make a person depressed. This just in…94% of Wisconsin is depressed.
  • A new drug is coming out that stops schizophrenia. That’s great news, no it’s not, give me a knife… what are you looking atP
  • Walmart is going to start selling coffins at all it’s stores. The people who don’t like this idea… their 80 year-old greeters.
  • The world’s largest aircraft has a design that resembles a butt. I’d hate to be on board when they hit some turbulence.
  • Scientists have discovered that raindrops are not shaped like tears, but hamburgers. In a related story, McDonalds just cornered the market on hurricanes.
  • A woman was arrested for shoplifting 330 pizza rolls from Walmart. That’s impossible because there is no way that a Walmart customer can count to 330.
  • The Guinness World Record people say that the planet’s largest oyster is nearly 14 inches long. Even that string of pearls couldn’t fit around Kirstie Allie’s neck.
  • A college student in Florida has been charged with making a phony weapon of mass destruction when he put fake dynamite on the seat his car. And when he goes to prison, he will enjoy his fake wife.
  • An 84 year-old woman crashed her car into a CVS and caused $65 in damage. Or as the store manager calls it…Aisles 4 through 7.
  • Russia has seized control of Ukraine’s “Killer Dolphin Program.” Bold Move. It’s just a matter of time before world leaders respond with Shark-NATO.
  • In New York, customers watched a rat scamper inside a Dunkin Donuts. Apparently, America’s rats also “Run on Dunkin.”
  • Paula Dean closed down her restaurant and didn’t even tell her employees. I thought that was disrespectful, and apparently she thought that was OK.K.K.
  • A study shows that the characters on cereal boxes lure children in with their eye gaze. So keep the kids close parents because it’s just a matter of time before we see sugar frosted Uncle Larry-O’s.
  • North Korea may soon be getting spy drones. Ohh, scary. I don’t think a paper airplane and a Go-Pro qualifies.
  • A new survey says that five daily servings of fruit and vegetables may not be enough. My colon begs to differ.
  • A British man amputated his own hand when a hospital refused to. Because he’s no longer doing tings with his hand, he should fully regain his eyesight.
  • The NFL I going to allow cheerleaders to visit fans in their seats. Typical NFL pricing…but 800 bucks for a lap dance is way too much.